Literature and Its Consequences.

We had just finished Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte and were moving on to Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys. Honestly, the book was a tough nut to crack. Its written based on someone's thoughts and descriptions, and to top that of, there was the Jamaican lingo sprawled all over.

Somehow, when we studied the book, I began to like this book better than Jane Eyre for what it stood for. See, Jane Eyre is about a woman. Her life until she finds true love. It's cool in the sense that its a woman's quest for her identity, and her independence, which was quite a load of courage for those times.

Hats off to Bronte.

But we can't neglect the fact that there was hints of sexism and racism in the book. As usual the male always had the upper hand, getting away with his faults but if the woman was in the wrong... AIYO! What a crime?

So Jean Rhys set out on a quest to show the world, HEY! You've got these situations, deal with it!

But that's the truth right? Men go around and have sex with multiple partners, they come to a bar and...

Male 1: Yo wassup dude?

Male 2: Nothing, just chilling...

Male 1: So how was last night? *winks*

Male 2: *sniggers*

Male 1: So, she's number 18...... 19?

Male 2: 23, dude!

Male 1: Woaaaa, you the man!

...but, if a woman does that...

Female 1: I had such a lovely night with Mr Z last Tuesday.

Female 2: Mr Z? What happened to Mr X?

Female 1: Mr X? Mr X was a hundred years ago, after him was Mr Y who didn't really amount to much and then there was Mr W but, nah... I like Mr Z.

Female 2: Oh, that's good for you! (Thinks to herself, 'What a whore!')

Male 3 sitting nearby: What a whore!

That's alway the issue right? A male could get away with sex as though he accidentally killed a cat on the road, but a woman who had sex would be prosecuted for bringing the world to an end!

And look at all the names they have!

• Whore
• Prostitute
• Hooker
• Harlot
• G.R.O
• Tea-lady

It only makes you wonder, are there any names for a promiscuous male?

None.

So, it is our duty to come up with one.

Fellow English Lit classmate came up with;

Brostitute

And mine;

Mostittute

So pick your choose and we shall end this chauvanism!

When I grow up, I wanna be a ....

Mum.

At this point, you must be thinking 'What?'

One minute this doofus loofus is all up and about feminism, anti-marriage activist and the next thing you know, she wants kids?

You heard me right the first time, I want babies!

I want them in all sorts of colours, four or five, if I can afford. I'll teach them to look beyond colour of skin, they'll be eradicated from racial curses, I raise them to follow their heart's desires and never suffocated them with my ideals, I'll support them financially and teach them creativity. They'll play while they learn, they'll never hate books and subjects instead embrace them in a creative manner. Yes, my kids will be genii of the future.

Haha, ambitious me.

Question is, how do I get these kids....? The conventional way?

Hehehe... NO!

NO!

NEVER!

Nope, I'm not getting pregnant. Na-ah! Not unless I get married.... but that's a different question altogether. (I'm still partially against marriage...!)

I'm not keen on swelling up then deflating multiple times... No offense.

But yeah, Imma gonna adopt yo!

So, all you women out there, planning to abort your babies, STOP WHERE YOU ARE!

I'll take 'em, just produce them, please?

Note: If you're planning to abort because of health reasons, you got raped, or you're some illiterate buffoon who curses in people's comment boxes because you can't understand what I'm saying, don't curse me. I'M REFERRING TO IRRESPONSIBLE GIRLS ONLY!!!!!! YOU HEAR ME?

Now that that's cleared, yeah, with all the mess some people have created, leaving this world in a massive mess of pro-creative activity, I want to do my part and adopt.

You think so easy meh? Adopt, adopt.... one day they ask you why you so dark I so white, what you going to say?

I'll say, " That's because I'm Indian and you're, _fill in the blanks , (Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cambodian, Thai, anything else lighter skinned than Indians.)...".

Yes, my children will know that I have adopted them. They deserve that right, nevertheless, I shall love them all equally.

What about the father figure? Ain't he important?

Urm... no?

I'll bother about that some other day.... : )

As for now, I want colourful babies. That's all.

Oh look! Another one!

Bruno Mars is a Genius.

One sunny afternoon, Leonardo stretched his arms, satisfied with the work he had accomplished for the day. He set his paintbrushes down, looked out his window and then suddenly, he heard a voice.

"Hey Leonardo!"

Leonardo looked out of the window, he saw no one looking at him, much less someone calling him. Then, he heard it again.

"Yoohoo! Mr Leonardo! Over here!"

He spun around, searching for the source of that feminine voice.

"Hey Da Vinci!!!! Are you deaf or something? Look here!

Leonardo fixed his gaze on the moving mouth of his recently completed piece of artwork. It was moving. It was talking to him!

Leonardo had a shock of his life. " Are you ta-ta-talk-talking to m-me?" he stuttered to petrified, unable to move.

"Yeah, I'm talking to you alright," said Mona Lisa, "Are you okay?"

Leonardo calmed himself, sat on a chair, drank some water and waited a while. "Yes, yes... I-I-I am f-f-fine. H-How may I h-h-help you?" he stammered.

"Well, I know that you're kinda dome with me and all but, I was just wondering if you could you know, make my face look slimmer," said Mona Lisa, gleefully.

"What..why?" asked Leonardo asked, hurt, "...but, you're so beautiful."

"Well, that's what you think," said Mona Lisa, " I just wish my lips were fuller, and my hair have a little wave in it, and layers too, when you're at that please make my eye brows arch a little and Oh! Can I have bigger busts?"

**********

I bet God is hurt every time we stand in front of the mirror and complain of our flat butts, thick lips, large hips, flat chest, frizzy hair, thick eye brows, basically whatever that is not in the World Standard of beauty.

We are his impossible to please masterpieces, never satisfied with what we have.

So, go to the mirror and do God a favour. Tell yourself, "You're looking hot today, girl!" or, "Woaaa, that's a hunk there," or whatever that pleases you.

Tell God He did a great job with you.

Even Bruno Mars agrees, although his song is so darn cheesy and all the boys are tagging their girlfriends to the song, he agrees.

Triplets on TV.

I've been wanting to do this for a very long time.

I have always thought that these certain people look like each other, so to prove that I put their pictures together and GOSH!

Despite them being celebrities and all, it's quite tough to find pictures of them in the same angle. But finally, TA-DA! Here it is. See if you agree.

From left: Portman, Rider and Knightley.

From left: Palin, Fey and Lynch.

Here we go again.

The whole issue of the Johor headmistress throwing racist remarks on all four corners of the earth has raised many eyebrows and opened many mouths.

I say, don't be fooled by the media! We have no clue of what exactly happened. My dear friends of the offended races, don't be ignited with flames of hatred. Laugh! Heartily like I do, or make fun of her funny statement.

According to reports, she made up an analogy;

"SAYA BAWA KERETA PROTON SAGA. AH CHONG & MUTHU MENUMPANG DALAM KERETA SAYA. KAMI SAMA-SAMA MENUJU KE SATU DESTINASI.TETAPI ITU TIDAK MENJADIKAN AH CHONG & MUTHU MEMILIKI KERETA ...PROTON SAGA TERSEBUT KERANA SAYA TETAP PEMANDU."

and a few other racist remarks which I'm not sure of.

But the analogy above is so funny, I decided to come up with a continuation. You ready?

' Selepas itu, Muthu, Ah Chong dan saya keluar daripada kereta Saga saya. Muthu terus mengeluarkan semua tayar kereta saya. Dia kata, "Bapa saya, dan datuk saya telah mengusahakan semua getah di tanah ini, maka tayar-tayar in adalah kepunyaan saya." Ah Chong pula memanggil kereta tundanya dan mengambil kereta saya. Dia berkata, " Bapa saya dan datuk saya telah mengusahakan semua bijih besi maka rangka kereta ini, badannya, enjinnya dan semua komponen yang dibuat daripada besi, semuannya kepunyaan saya." Ah Chong mengeluarkan sebuah beg berisi beras dan memberikannya kepada saya. Ini adalah kepunyaan kau."

I know it might be a rather lame touch but, we all toiled this land, every race. If you are going to talk about discarding one another, it's stupid. You're dismissing the fact that our country was raised by the hands of all races from the days before we were even called Malaysia. Mostly, the other races actually. Thank the British. Today, the country's earnings thrives on all races too. Eradicate two and you get a very poor land. A poor underdeveloped land.

You sure you want that?

96 hours to bitter days.

Think of me, think of me fondly,

when we've said goodbye.

Remember me once in a while -

please promise me you'll try.

When you find that, once again, you long

to take your heart back and be free -

if you ever find a moment,

spare a thought for me

Think of me, think of me waking,

silent and resigned.

Imagine me, trying too hard

to put you from my mind.

Recall those days

look back on all those times,

think of the things we'll never do -

there will never be a day,

when I won't think of you . . .

Think of me, Phantom of the Opera.