Thursday, September 30, 2010

Literature and Its Consequences.

We had just finished Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte and were moving on to Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys. Honestly, the book was a tough nut to crack. Its written based on someone's thoughts and descriptions, and to top that of, there was the Jamaican lingo sprawled all over.

Somehow, when we studied the book, I began to like this book better than Jane Eyre for what it stood for. See, Jane Eyre is about a woman. Her life until she finds true love. It's cool in the sense that its a woman's quest for her identity, and her independence, which was quite a load of courage for those times.

Hats off to Bronte.

But we can't neglect the fact that there was hints of sexism and racism in the book. As usual the male always had the upper hand, getting away with his faults but if the woman was in the wrong... AIYO! What a crime?

So Jean Rhys set out on a quest to show the world, HEY! You've got these situations, deal with it!

But that's the truth right? Men go around and have sex with multiple partners, they come to a bar and...

Male 1: Yo wassup dude?
Male 2: Nothing, just chilling...
Male 1: So how was last night? *winks*
Male 2: *sniggers*
Male 1: So, she's number 18...... 19?
Male 2: 23, dude!
Male 1: Woaaaa, you the man!

...but, if a woman does that...

Female 1: I had such a lovely night with Mr Z last Tuesday.
Female 2: Mr Z? What happened to Mr X?
Female 1: Mr X? Mr X was a hundred years ago, after him was Mr Y who didn't really amount to much and then there was Mr W but, nah... I like Mr Z.
Female 2: Oh, that's good for you! (Thinks to herself, 'What a whore!')
Male 3 sitting nearby: What a whore!

That's alway the issue right? A male could get away with sex as though he accidentally killed a cat on the road, but a woman who had sex would be prosecuted for bringing the world to an end!

And look at all the names they have!
  • Whore
  • Prostitute
  • Hooker
  • Harlot
  • G.R.O
  • Tea-lady
It only makes you wonder, are there any names for a promiscuous male?

None.

So, it is our duty to come up with one.

Fellow English Lit classmate came up with;

Brostitute

And mine;

Mostittute

So pick your choose and we shall end this chauvanism!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

When I grow up, I wanna be a ....

Mum.


At this point, you must be thinking 'What?'
One minute this doofus loofus is all up and about feminism, anti-marriage activist and the next thing you know, she wants kids?


You heard me right the first time, I want babies!


I want them in all sorts of colours, four or five, if I can afford. I'll teach them to look beyond colour of skin, they'll be eradicated from racial curses, I raise them to follow their heart's desires and never suffocated them with my ideals, I'll support them financially and teach them creativity. They'll play while they learn, they'll never hate books and subjects instead embrace them in a creative manner. Yes, my kids will be genii of the future.

Haha, ambitious me.

Question is, how do I get these kids....? The conventional way?
Hehehe... NO!

NO!
NEVER!



Nope, I'm not getting pregnant. Na-ah! Not unless I get married.... but that's a different question altogether. (I'm still partially against marriage...!)
I'm not keen on swelling up then deflating multiple times... No offense.

But yeah, Imma gonna adopt yo!

So, all you women out there, planning to abort your babies, STOP WHERE YOU ARE!
I'll take 'em, just produce them, please?

Note: If you're planning to abort because of health reasons, you got raped, or you're some illiterate buffoon who curses in people's comment boxes because you can't understand what I'm saying, don't curse me. I'M REFERRING TO IRRESPONSIBLE GIRLS ONLY!!!!!! YOU HEAR ME?

Now that that's cleared, yeah, with all the mess some people have created, leaving this world in a massive mess of pro-creative activity, I want to do my part and adopt.

You think so easy meh? Adopt, adopt.... one day they ask you why you so dark I so white, what you going to say?

I'll say, " That's because I'm Indian and you're, _fill in the blanks , (Vietnamese, Chinese, Japanese, Cambodian, Thai, anything else lighter skinned than Indians.)...".
Yes, my children will know that I have adopted them. They deserve that right, nevertheless, I shall love them all equally.

What about the father figure? Ain't he important?

Urm... no?

I'll bother about that some other day.... : )

As for now, I want colourful babies. That's all.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bruno Mars is a Genius.

One sunny afternoon, Leonardo stretched his arms, satisfied with the work he had accomplished for the day. He set his paintbrushes down, looked out his window and then suddenly, he heard a voice.

"Hey Leonardo!"

Leonardo looked out of the window, he saw no one looking at him, much less someone calling him. Then, he heard it again.

"Yoohoo! Mr Leonardo! Over here!"

He spun around, searching for the source of that feminine voice.

"Hey Da Vinci!!!! Are you deaf or something? Look here!

Leonardo fixed his gaze on the moving mouth of his recently completed piece of artwork. It was moving. It was talking to him!



Leonardo had a shock of his life. " Are you ta-ta-talk-talking to m-me?" he stuttered to petrified, unable to move.

"Yeah, I'm talking to you alright," said Mona Lisa, "Are you okay?"

Leonardo calmed himself, sat on a chair, drank some water and waited a while. "Yes, yes... I-I-I am f-f-fine. H-How may I h-h-help you?" he stammered.

"Well, I know that you're kinda dome with me and all but, I was just wondering if you could you know, make my face look slimmer," said Mona Lisa, gleefully.

"What..why?" asked Leonardo asked, hurt, "...but, you're so beautiful."

"Well, that's what you think," said Mona Lisa, " I just wish my lips were fuller, and my hair have a little wave in it, and layers too, when you're at that please make my eye brows arch a little and Oh! Can I have bigger busts?"

**********
I bet God is hurt every time we stand in front of the mirror and complain of our flat butts, thick lips, large hips, flat chest, frizzy hair, thick eye brows, basically whatever that is not in the World Standard of beauty.

We are his impossible to please masterpieces, never satisfied with what we have.

So, go to the mirror and do God a favour. Tell yourself, "You're looking hot today, girl!" or, "Woaaa, that's a hunk there," or whatever that pleases you.

Tell God He did a great job with you.

Even Bruno Mars agrees, although his song is so darn cheesy and all the boys are tagging their girlfriends to the song, he agrees.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Triplets on TV.

I've been wanting to do this for a very long time.

I have always thought that these certain people look like each other, so to prove that I put their pictures together and GOSH!

Despite them being celebrities and all, it's quite tough to find pictures of them in the same angle. But finally, TA-DA! Here it is. See if you agree.

From left: Portman, Rider and Knightley.
From left: Palin, Fey and Lynch.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Here we go again.

The whole issue of the Johor headmistress throwing racist remarks on all four corners of the earth has raised many eyebrows and opened many mouths.

I say, don't be fooled by the media! We have no clue of what exactly happened. My dear friends of the offended races, don't be ignited with flames of hatred. Laugh! Heartily like I do, or make fun of her funny statement.

According to reports, she made up an analogy;

"SAYA BAWA KERETA PROTON SAGA. AH CHONG & MUTHU MENUMPANG DALAM KERETA SAYA. KAMI SAMA-SAMA MENUJU KE SATU DESTINASI.TETAPI ITU TIDAK MENJADIKAN AH CHONG & MUTHU MEMILIKI KERETA ...PROTON SAGA TERSEBUT KERANA SAYA TETAP PEMANDU."

and a few other racist remarks which I'm not sure of.
But the analogy above is so funny, I decided to come up with a continuation. You ready?
' Selepas itu, Muthu, Ah Chong dan saya keluar daripada kereta Saga saya. Muthu terus mengeluarkan semua tayar kereta saya. Dia kata, "Bapa saya, dan datuk saya telah mengusahakan semua getah di tanah ini, maka tayar-tayar in adalah kepunyaan saya." Ah Chong pula memanggil kereta tundanya dan mengambil kereta saya. Dia berkata, " Bapa saya dan datuk saya telah mengusahakan semua bijih besi maka rangka kereta ini, badannya, enjinnya dan semua komponen yang dibuat daripada besi, semuannya kepunyaan saya." Ah Chong mengeluarkan sebuah beg berisi beras dan memberikannya kepada saya. Ini adalah kepunyaan kau."

I know it might be a rather lame touch but, we all toiled this land, every race. If you are going to talk about discarding one another, it's stupid. You're dismissing the fact that our country was raised by the hands of all races from the days before we were even called Malaysia. Mostly, the other races actually. Thank the British. Today, the country's earnings thrives on all races too. Eradicate two and you get a very poor land. A poor underdeveloped land.

You sure you want that?

96 hours to bitter days.

Think of me, think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while -
please promise me you'll try.
When you find that, once again, you long
to take your heart back and be free -
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me

Think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind.
Recall those days
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do -
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you . . .

Think of me, Phantom of the Opera.

A confession.

The fastidious typing had stopped, about 5 minutes ago. She had set her phone on the pillow, silent as it was. She constantly flicks her eyesight at the quiet object, hoping in would tingle in delight with a familiar tune, signifying a reply. It doesn't.

She grabs it, and again begins clicking away.
No, it was sent. Then why the delay?

She goes about doing her work, sub-consciously aware, ready and alert to sweep it up them moment it sings. But it doesn't.

The next few minutes are torturous. She flashes angry eyes at the persistently silent object, picks it up then gently throws it on the bed, infusing as much anger as she's able to in that gentle force, so as not to damage it yet express her anxiety.

She marches out of the room with a loud 'HMMPH!'

Then, it comes. That short, sharp, shrill tune. She picks it up, it says:

'Sorry'.

She's softened, melted down to a heap.

Oh, cruel, cruel soul. How dare you reduce yourself to this excuse of a weakling?
She pushes the voice away, pride and dignity laid down, to nurse the abused item and reply with love, accordingly.

I love rendang.

The 2 week break, splitting my trials into half, has not been treating me very well. For one, it has fastened to dreamless sleep for hours, threatening to rob me off precious dates with my books, namely, Pengajian Perniagaan 1 & 2 as well as the dashing debonair, Macro Economy.

Nevertheless, I shall strive, besides Friday.
Only Friday.

Why? You may ask. Oh Friday...

On Friday, I woke up around 7 in the morning. (Cue: Clap and cheer for the lazy bum!) after the usual hygiene requirements, e.g. bathing, brushing teeth, I bade grandmama and mama farewell as I set off with Albert to stream down free roads, uninhabited by nearly half of its population, (you see, they sedang makan pagi at their kampung).

We picked Rishi kutty up and made a beeline for SUNWAY PYRAMID!

How long have I not tread these marbled floors with reasons of pure fun with friends... *sigh.

After ALL had reached, Pavitra began her painstaking duties. Condemning everyone to stop at EVERY earing shop or ANY little stall that had shiny things to hang on your ears. This, of course, happened along the way to brunch as Pavitra's stomach has threatened to blow up into a shuddering 60 million scraps of fats, tissues, blood and more fats if we didn't feed it.

So to Mac Donald's we went, and sat, and ate and talked and fussed about moving on to the next agenda (Oh, that was Kutty's job alone, leaning his big muscular body (Oh, he'll love me for this! ;) ) over the wooden divider looking absolutely cute and sounding absolutely annoying).

Once Pavitra's destructive tummy had settled, we made our way to the bowling alley, where people roll fat, heavy, colorful balls down this slippery, narrow lane to knock down a bunch of things called pins. It's like watching REVENGE OF THE FAT GIRLS AGAINST THOSE SNOOTY, SNOBBISH POPULAR GIRLS. (Note: not a real movie).

Anyhoo, as Shaheena and Pavitra lacked socks, and socks are expensive, Nah! I'm just kidding. Socks are not expensive, we were lazy to buy some. But anyhoo, it was decided, No socks + Lack of Interest to Play Archery = POOL.
No water in this pool, it was balls and sticks. ( I can imagine the owner of the destructive tummy smiling with glee at this). Oh, naughty minds.

Pool was fun, I pocketed two balls. It was cheap too. We played and watched Mr Tan helping Mrs Tan at the pool table. What a pair.

We were joined by Tiru a few moments later, as then BANG!
Kutty and Tiru indulged themselves in talk of muscles. How to make this fatter and bigger. How to make that hard, How to make lines appear. Gosh, men and their ego.

FAT EGO!
So much so, Albert stared at his unlined and undefined muscles then looked at Kutty and said, "They're so nice". (Cue: Roll eyes).

Men.

A little sidetracking.

Guys, you don't need to have muscles all bulging and frankly speaking, disgusting. Yeah, they're nice and pretty, no they're sexy, but it's not important. Make sure you're healthy and able. You know, these body builders get their stuff from steroids and crap, (okay, only some do) and a lot of them suffer from erectile dysfunction. Don't make yourself a model from a magazine with no children in the future. Besides, soft fats are nice to lean on and makes you huggable.

See?

Anyway, back to the story.
After pool, we prepared ourselves to go to RUMAH TERBUKA (Transalation: Open house) I shall further explain this later.

More important stuff. I had a race with Jon to MPH and I have to say, although he beat me by 20 seconds, my navigation still rocks.

Soon after we split, leaving Albert, Tiru and Kutty behind....
*sniffles*

.....for tasty things. For spicy stuff. For yummy reasons. For tummy tangling missions,
I introduce you to Part Two of 'I love rendang'. The part where we talk about rendang.

Part Two

Upon reaching Azlin's house, we greeted her, her mum and other 'mum', SELAMAT HARI RAYA!

Then we feasted with another bunch of donkeys we knew, already present.

I spooned lemang, with rendang and beef curry for starters. Then went for nasi pelangi, ayam masak merah and dhal as my second round, then I realized my grave mistake.

You see, my tummy, is a time bomb. Has always been from young. If I do not feed myself, the consecutive meals should be small, as my tummy sorta shrinks.

Damn. All those cookies.

Sigh.

Anyhoo, after a considerable sum of people had left, a bunch of us sat in a circle talking about exaggerated Tamil films, why you shouldn't make an Indian woman mad, and racism and the beauty of it all was that we were all of different races. I love MALAYSIA.

As the clouds threatened to cry upon seeing such a beautiful sight, so many skin tones
harmoniously laughing, I bade them farewell to return home to a soft bed, to rest my sleepy head.

HAHA, JOKE. I had to help dad fix the cupboard then drive to cell group half asleep (but cell is a fun thing, awesome actually) then only did I greet my bed with a thump.
That's why Friday was not splashed with study. Goodbye folks.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Who Wants to be a Millionaire

Me

i know what you're doing

you're talking to pav!

9:55pmJonathan

true

congrats

you're one step closer to the million dollars

9:57pmMe

really?

what's the next?

9:57pmJonathan

okay next question

if an apple a day keeps the doctor away

what about a mangosteen

9:57pmMe

hmmmmmm.............mangosteen keeps

BARNEY AWAY!

9:58pmJonathan

you sure? final answer

9:59pmMe

i should think so

9:59pmJonathan

okay then....

the answer is....

right after this commercial break

*plays the theme song

10:01pmMe

lalalalalalallala!

10:01pmJonathan

okay we're back

now you're still sure its your final answer>

10:02pmMe

yes

i'm sure

10:03pmJonathan

okay...

you're ....going home

10:04pmMe

OH NO!!!!

A million bucks!

sniffles

i was going to do nate the money

to a bunch of kids in vietnam

10:05pmJonathan

you're going home

with a million dollars !!!!!

10:05pmMe

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

10:05pmJonathan

*pyro explodes

*confetti showers

10:06pmMe

woohhooo!

YAY!

I'm so happy!!!!!

10:07pmJonathan

so watcha going to do

with the money

10:08pmMe

donate a couple of bucks

to

the vietnamese kids

and use the balance

for

SHOOPING!

*SHOPPING!

10:09pmJonathan

okay then

looks at audience

you too can be a millionaire

on who wants to be a millionaire

i'm jonathan tan

and good night folks

*plays theme song

:D

10:10pmMe

Wait,

where's my money Jon?

I want it now,

in ash

*cash!

WHERE IS IT?

10:10pmJonathan

yes...in ash you will get it

i'll burn em 1st

10:11pmMe

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a typo

I WANT MY MONEY!

GIMME MY MONEY NOW!

GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

10:11pmJonathan

you know

its a game show

and you can never trust game show

you're ripped

10:12pmMe

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

runs towards Jon with a knife in hand

10:12pmJonathan

oh security

i think we got another looney

10:12pmMe

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jonathan

i'm too old for this